The Belonging You Seek Is Not Behind You, It Is Ahead

December 19, 2016

Let's be real. 2016 was a rough year for a lot of us. I'm pretty transparent with my life online through my blog and social media, but I struggled with something over the last few months that I didn't display publicly. If you've been following The Dorky Diva since this summer, then you may remember that I went through a pretty tough breakup back in August. I later found out that I was cheated on, which is not something I'd wish upon my worst enemy.

In the following months after that unsettling event in my life, I dealt with a great deal of anxiety and depression. Not only was I embarrassed to admit that I was struggling with these issues, but I felt alone. I would talk to my close friends and family about what I was dealing with emotionally, but nothing they said helped me. I didn't want to talk about it online because I feared that my followers would think I was fishing for attention. I personally decided to hold off on talking about this tough time until the darkest days were over and I felt like I had recovered. So here we are in the middle of December. I feel happy again and I'm willing to talk about how lessons from Star Wars got me through this tough season of life, just like many of my other phases of life in the past.

I've heard about anxiety from many people, but I had never experienced it first hand until a few months ago. One day I was working on a photo project for one of my final classes. I was on a tight deadline and my camera battery died mid-shoot. For some reason, that threw me into a panic attack. Yes, something as mild and unimportant as a battery dying made me freak out. I felt like I couldn't breathe while the stress of the deadline ahead of me seemed to be dashing closer and closer to me. Things like this happened almost every day. Little issues that I could normally brush off with no problem turned into crippling moments that ruined my entire day.

At night, I would cry myself to sleep for no reason. I felt sad, alone, and defeated in every way. Why did I feel like this? Some people assumed it was because I missed the relationship I once had. That was definitely not the case. If someone has the audacity to leave me for someone else or just to leave me in general, I don't have the time or energy to miss them, not even for a second. I believe I was mostly upset and thrown into a spiral of depression because my entire life made a complete 180 degree turn in the matter of an hour. My wedding plans, my plan to move up north at the end of the year, the rest of my life had changed immediately and I was left to figure out everything alone. I was scared and sad at the same time. Not for being dumped, but for having to figure out a new life plan when it had taken me two years to figure out the one that had just been destroyed.

After dealing with these issues for a solid couple of months, I decided to seek out help. Not only was I experiencing emotional pain, but I started to experience physical pain as well. I talked to a doctor about getting my hormones in balance and went to physical therapy for a month to mend my body. Now that I've fully adjusted to these treatments, I feel better than ever. I have energy, I feel motivated to do the things I love, and I've been spending more time with the people who were there for me during those tough times. I don't think medical help is the answer to everyone's problems, but if you feel like you need help with things that are out of your control, definitely go chat with your doctor and see if they can help.

So, why am I writing this? Why am I discussing the most personal moments of my life with complete strangers who will read this? Well, I wanted you to know that if you're dealing with something similar to this, you are not alone. Even though you may feel alone, you're not. Those words by themselves will not heal you or make you feel happy again, but I hope that you can find peace in knowing that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find happiness again. You will figure you what to do with your life. You will realize who your true friends are and life will be better than ever.

There is a quote from The Force Awakens that brought me a lot of peace on those nights when I cried myself to sleep and felt like there was no purpose to my life.


This message from Maz Kanata applied to my situation in so many ways and taught me plenty of lessons. Don't hold onto the past. There are so many great things ahead of you and even though you may feel like you've been rejected over and over, there are people out there who will love you exactly the way you are. If one situation rejects you, be confident and know that there's a better opportunity around the corner. Most importantly, don't ignore the friends that drop everything to be there for you. Just like Finn went back for Rey after she was captured by Kylo Ren in The Force Awakens, your true friends will be there for you in real life too. I'm insanely blessed to have several people in my life that would do anything for me, no matter what time of day it is or how far away they are. Also, never pass up the chance to hug a Wookiee. It's the best form of therapy. As always, if you truly feel completely alone and need someone to chat to about these types of issues, my email is always open. May the Force be with you all.

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4 comments

  1. great article! thank you for sharing your experience, Happy Holidays!

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  2. Thank you for sharing.

    It took people like you to expose me to understanding what it is. It is not something to just shake off or simply medicate. It is misunderstood. It impacts families & relationships. And for many people VERY well hidden. Talking about it is the first step.
    Stay Strong you Diva!

    Rob Williams
    Generation X-Wing Podcast

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  3. That's a great gift to people feeling any of that indeed - it's a really serious thing
    I felt a heap of pressure doing a course work was paying for and it after the one week intensive classroom stuff it took me almost a year to finish the external stuff, just looking at the coursework made me feel sick and sent my heart racing - I'd already finished college and done harder courses but something about that one just set me off
    Logic doesn't apply with something that triggers anxiety and you do feel alone, ashamed etc

    Love what you do πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

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  4. This is beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your experiences. They WILL help others, whether or not they can admit it.

    I'm sorry you've been going through all of this. But I'm glad you're coming out the stronger for it. Keeping looking ahead!
    Paula

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